Wednesday, December 14, 2005
:: is this the right way..... ::
early in the morning..
no replies of sms..
no answering of calls..
i refused to acknowledge any responses from her..
never have i ever been so hard hearted with her..
this time round i guess i really made up my mind..
regardless of what say and do..
i remain unmoved..
i know for sure if i heard her voice..
my determination might be shaken..
i was harsh when i talk to her..
but i guess the truth always sting..
she herself don't even know what she wants..
i got no idea if she will end up hurting another poor soul..
i hope she will mature more..
so that she will truly know what she need and what she wants..
i ponder to myself..
was i really too hard on her..
i had always think for her first..
even nelegecting how i would feel..
but she never appreciate it..
and even took it for granted..
now i just want to start thinking for myself..
i was so crashed and torn by her i can't even stand up..
she had totally ruin me..
trashed my dignity, pride and confidence to zero..
im finding ways and means to heal my wound..
pick myself from this mess..
at least i have taken the first step..
but there's a long way to go..
i can't face her now..
can't bear to see her so happy with her boyfriend..
i will always remember when she was so happy with her new life and boyfriend..
this is what she told me..
"i do not need you anymore..you're not even a friend..my boyfriend can do everything you can.."
at that moment i was more than shattered..
i thought i was already at the deepest bottom of valley..
yet i still can sense myself falling even deeper down..
it was then i realised i was nothing in her heart..
all along i was just the fool..
to believe that with effort, sincerity and love.
i can take away her wrong thinking and start afresh..
everytime she did something to hurt me..
did something wrong to me..
im always so willing to forgive her..
yet i never get her forgiveness nor understanding..
i have to beg her to even be a friend..
how pathatic can i get..
and when she's trouble..
she called and shouted at me..
demanding all she wants..
without even thinking of how would i feel..
im not hers anymore..
if she want she can jolly well shouted at her boyfriend all she wants..
since she said that her boyfriend can do everything i can..
get him to help her then..
she left me with no choice..
i got to pick myself up on my own..
slowly painfully without her..
i decided not to answer her calls..
not even see her..
i can't bear to see how happy they are..
she had made me turned so heartless..
but still i answer her calls coz i cant bear to see her die..
on the surface i pretended not to care..
yet inside me im worried for her..
im learning to control my feelings slowly..
determined not to see her..
i want the real me back!
i don't want the me that had been so crashed by her..
without confidence..
without pride..
without dignity..
without character..
so negative..
so upset..
so depressed..
i know i can do it..
i will never let anyone turn me into that again!!!
i think i just found my conclusion..
:: it's just me.. :: 12/14/2005 06:37:00 AM
