Sunday, November 28, 2010
what can i say..
i have no rights on her..
she said she has no obligations to me..
she wasnt even mine to begin with..
im the only one who had this wish thinking..
why is it so hard for 2 who loved to be together..
maybe if there hadnt been so many obstractions..
times might have gone abit better for us..
maybe to her..
this had always been wrong..
she regert starting this with me..
it hurts..deep down inside..
not becoz of the things i done..
but becoz i never did..
and am still trying to make things work..
make things better..
i dont know if she feel the same..
the same as me..
that i still hope for a future with her..
that i want her with me the rest of this road..
i know she will tell me..
its not possible..
that things can only stay as it is..
but yet we were together before..
why cant it happen now..
before when i cry..
she will feel the pain..
but now when i cry..
she only feel annoy..
before when im unhappy..
she will try to explain and be there for me..
but now when im unhappy..
she cannot be bother anymore..
even as im writing..
tears roll down like it's raining outside..
no one will know..
no one will care..
i will continue with my smiling and laughing face that everyone sees now..
and maybe at least i will die smiling..
i still believe in her..
i believe that she still loves me..
i believe that our love hasnt been shaken..
i believe that she wouldnt lie to me..
i believe that she only loves me..
i believe that someday she will call me her girlfriend..
i really believe in all these..
no matter what she had said and done that might paths this belief in a different light..
i just believe..
im just so afraid..
one day she will tell me..
you are just decieving yourself..
in your own world..
i don't love you anymore..
i know i will be so broken down..
and felt so betrayed..
but i just cant imagine what i will turn into..
every road each of us takes..
is a lesson..
some learn from it and change thier thinking..
some just decided to follow thier heart still..
the only regert i have is that i should have told her that i love her years back..
i never wanted to turn back time and redo what i done..
but i really want to turn it back now..
10 years back..the night where i lay on her laps..
i should have summon my courage to tell her i love her..
the words held back at my thoart becoz i was too coward..
i lost it..so what now we are someway along best friend and girlfriend..
we aint even lovers?
i have lost..
lost to myself..
lost the sense to judge..
lost the sense to feel to do the right thing..
just becoming more emotional..
im just a sentimental old hag..
who wants her love so badly..
maybe it's true that the course of true love never did run smooth..
it all depends on the 2 person how strong they felt for each other..
and if they are strong enough not to let go of the love and faith for each other..
:: it's just me.. :: 11/28/2010 03:10:00 PM
Baby I didn't know you are so upset and pissed..
I didn't back off and cause u torments in 2 nights..
U sound like u don't want to see or hear from me..
I will back off then..
But my love stays..
:: it's just me.. :: 11/28/2010 01:04:00 AM
Saturday, November 27, 2010
I hate myself for messing things up..
But why is it always me..
Why am I always so useless in ur eyes..
Why do I always sound so selfish to u..
Dun you feel that I care for u..
That I love you alot and I think for u too..
Seems like you put me down harder than it seems..
:: it's just me.. :: 11/27/2010 02:23:00 AM
Saturday, November 06, 2010
just saw her post on fb..
she lost her trust in me..
i guess it's big time and really totally..
i guess no point saying so much or trying to explain anymore..
i already said what it is..
it's really up to her to believe..
and words now can't change anything..
hopefully my actions from then on will tell..
but i'm glad she is still willing to meet me..
at least not all that bad..
even though she don't seem as happy as before when she see me now..
but all i can hope is that this will get better in the future..
i miss her smiles when she see me..
i miss her touch..when she behave like a little girl in front of me..
i miss her lips..when she kiss me like she wanted me..
i miss all the happy times we had spend together..
i miss her care and concern for me..when she do all the little things for me even though she is tired..
i miss her love..which i can feel from the heart..
i miss her everything..
:: it's just me.. :: 11/06/2010 10:19:00 PM
Thursday, November 04, 2010
my birthday is coming..
I really hope she can spend my actual day with me..
I would love nothing more than that to happen..
I was thinking of booking a suite and spending some time with her..
and we can be as happy and loving as what we used to be..
but with what is happening now..
I do not know if things still can be as such..
my bday wish is......................
:: it's just me.. :: 11/04/2010 11:08:00 AM
I should have killed myself more than once..
I fuck things up..
I lose myself..
I became someone whom I dun even recongize..
I am so afraid to lose her..
bcoz she's the only hope and support I have left from the real me..
bcoz I love her so much as a lover and friend..
I became so afraid I don't even dare to hold my heads high..
I run and hide at every like signs of trembles..
that's not me..
I want her love back..
I want her to love me again like it used to be..
I shouldn't have lost myself inturn losing her love..
I feel so dead and strengthless..
I just want to hide from the whole world..
lock myself up somewhere and sleep forever..
So she would not get further away from me..
so time will heal the bad things and love can be back..
I really wish.....
:: it's just me.. :: 11/04/2010 10:53:00 AM
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
the pills are working its magic..
I can feel the head spinning..
but I guess i need afew more..
shd have bought drugs instead..
stronger and faster..
I think I must be crazy..
if I can see the sunlight tomorrow..
I will surely slap myself..
and scold myself so badly for doing such a thing..
I never done slashing before..
should I?
maybe it might take away the pain inside for a moment..
but I hate to dirty my bed..
:: it's just me.. :: 11/02/2010 06:21:00 AM
u said it was happier with him..
my heart broke..
I'm still living in my world where I tot u love me..
that we stil can make things work..
even if u don't believe me..
but u r still the one..
i just want make things work..
I do all I can in this..
u said I do so in every r/s..
but never with the absolute trust to break my heart so badly..
esp with the trust of such a long friendship..
I'm not sure what was it for u..
but it had always been love for me..
I always thought that killing ownself had been a cowardly act and I will never do that to hurt myself..
but now I'm actually trying to kill myself slowly..
I know I should live for myself..
but now I don't see any meaning..
I don't see any light at all..
I don't even have hope..
I don't want to just live in my own world where I still hope bcoz today u told me it can never be..
u said time will tell..
when I tell u that u always b the one I love coz no one knows the future..
and by the time..Time tells..
it all change..
things r diff..
u might have left me..
but if u r the last one of my journey this will tell u that u r the one I love..
till the end of my time..
if there are any more posts after today..
it means I have failed in the slow killing..
if not.......
:: it's just me.. :: 11/02/2010 05:45:00 AM
