Saturday, January 15, 2011
It feels like everything that happens seems like yesterday..
The happy days..
When things were not that bad..
When things are just simple..
I wish for a time machine to go back in the past..
But I wouldn't get that..
I can look forward to hope things can be the same as before..
I pray that things can be the same every night before I sleep..
I just want someone that loves me like I love her..
To be here and give me concern and love..
Is that so much to ask for..
Or is it just me who don't deserve all these..
Maybe I have to slowly reflect on myself..
If I really know myself..
That I am confident of making another happy..
Or maybe I should keep to myself and take all the pain..
And just let the other be happy with their life..
That I shd not make anyone else sad and unhappy anymore..
I keep asking myself..
Doubting my means and my ownself..
Just to comfort myself..
At least I used to have..
Better than I never had before..
Maybe I'm just not meant to have and enjoy this kinda happiness..
Im just fated to be all alone till the end..
我不应该再去伤害任何人
我应该静静的离开
带着我们曾经拥有的爱
自己一个人慢慢的走下去
:: it's just me.. :: 1/15/2011 03:16:00 AM
Thursday, January 13, 2011
i was stupid enough to try and kill myself last night again..
and i was so foolish..
i could have saved everything yesterday..
but i didnt
i let my emo take control of me..
i am so foolish..
i really duno what to do to save everything now..
all seems gone..
:: it's just me.. :: 1/13/2011 09:01:00 PM
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
a fool i had been..
40 down..
cant balance alr..
listening to our duel..
mk me tear lk mad..
all had been lost..
that's it for me..
take care ok..
i really did love you..
we could been happy together..
i still think so..
:: it's just me.. :: 1/12/2011 09:18:00 PM
i just want to end it all..
you have said it out..
it's no and dun wan..
all along i tried so hard..
i wanted to make things work..
i really do not mind..
but the least i should get is at least have an assurance..
to know that even though i am the 3rd party..
even though im hidden..
i got you..
all i need was that to just get things going..
to get everything to fall in place..
but why..
why did things just keep repeating..
becoz i just cant get that acknowledgement and assurance
this is the main reason why for the past year..
we been arguing non stop
actually we really can be happy together..
without all these issues..
since i have to be the hidden one..
why cant i just get that little assurance from you..
now i know why..
coz you have finally answered me..
u know when i said i want to end my life..
i meant it..
and i meant it that you will not know..
20 down and more to go..
do you know i am in depression..
that everything seems so negative..
all i wanted was to get something positive from you..
to pick myself up and get out of the mess..
to know that after all i am loved..
i am still wanted..
not hanging in the midair..
alot of things happened..
alot of things changed..
afterall this is how i have to end..
becoz i aint strong enough to get myself out of this state..
bcoz i rely too much on love..
maybe that's my weakness..
something i can never overcome..
:: it's just me.. :: 1/12/2011 08:32:00 PM
Monday, January 10, 2011
Just a simple question..
Why can't u just answer me a yes or no..
Is it really that difficult..
That u must wait till u r back to tell me..
I was thinking why didn't the faint just hit harder break sumthing..
Or just hit my head harder so I can slp for a long time n Nt wake up..
To face such truth..
That I am not your commitment..
You will have your ways to scold Me and convince me..
Then I will end up thinking I am in the wrong..
I Shdnt have pressure u n disturb ur holidays..
I feel such pain that I cried till my eyes r so swollen..
That my eyes hurt so much..
Even though I sound okay on my SMS..
I just can't stop crying..
If it's meant to be it will be..
If you want me you need to tell me..
If you do not want me I will leave in peace despite how much it will hurts or even kill me..
I always thought that it can be very simple..
As long as we love each other it will do..
But now I dun even know if you wan this commitment with me or not..
:: it's just me.. :: 1/10/2011 11:39:00 PM
I thought I was fine..
And I will slowly win u bk after u come bk..
I had plans to bring go dinner and go out after my payday..
To go dating and win back ur heart..
Until today then I realise something..
I fell and injured my slip disc again..
I went to the doc n fainted there..
I fell straight into my face n hit my nose..
I didn't regain my consciences until moments later..
And I started having nose bleed..
The only good thing is that mum went to the doc with me..
She wanted to bring me to the hospital but I refused..
Thru out these moments the 1st person I thought of was u..
But u just ain't around when I needed u..
I can't call you coz u r w him..
And I might get a scolding from you that it ain't any big deal..
I'm still alive n kicking..
I thought over things and I rem u said before that you wanted my commitment when we were at yishun dam..
That being togt as a couple is an commitment..
But now you said that having a status doesn't matter..
Im really confused what is what..
Does that means that you do not wan to have any commitments with me anymore
And that your commitment only lies with him..
I'm all so ready and prepared to be commit into a r/s with you..
But it just ain't the case on your end already..
I just feel so confused..
I never hear anything from you at all these few days..
Does a msg really cost that much to not even just send me an SMS..
I feel so down and upset now I don't know what to do..
I guess when u r with him..
6 days without any news of Me is ok for u..
I don't know if I did piece everything in correctly..
But for now it seems this way..
Coz I wouldnt be hearing from you..
:: it's just me.. :: 1/10/2011 12:53:00 PM
Friday, January 07, 2011
I'm beginning to feel myself so alone..
I just keep looking at my phone..
Chkin my whatsapp every now and then..
Wanting to msg u yet I stop..
Coz I know u wun b able to see it n I wun b getting any msgs frm u too..
Yet I will still cont taking my phone trying to dial to you..
When I saw sumthing funny or when I want to tell u something..
It's just such a natural reaction to Me..
You..being the 1st person I will reach out to..
But you are so far away..
In the arms of sumone else..
And I'm starting to feel the distance btw us..
I'm Nt sure what this trip of urs will do to us..
But there is strong feeling that u will get closer to him..
And further away from me till I lost u completely..
I can't help comparing myself to him..
What did I lose out to him..
That I can't even have ur acknowledgement..
Yet he can have you..
To say you are his gf..
And I can only remain in silence..
I don't think he is any better looking than Me..
Nor smarter nor funnier..
I don't even think he loves you more than I do..
And I don't think you love him more than you love Me..
I dont think he earns more than Me now nor in the future..
Nor see that he is much capable than me..
I dont see him more concern about you and ur well being more than Me..
But yet I don't have that little nod from you..
If one day there is a choice that I need to give my life so that you can continue yours..
I will willingly give up mine for you..
Not that I don't cherish my life..
But this is how much I love you and what I will go to..
As long as I have your nod..
I miss you so much that I kept thinking you are around me..
I brush my teeth at the dish sink...
Looking over to the lil sink..
Thinking that I will see you brushing yours..
I make my bed and turn over to my left..
Saying good night darling..
But it's just all an illusion..
Coz everytime I look over..
Its just emptiness..
At that moment there feels like a hole in my heart..
I know you will think that im thinking too much..
That I'm making myself emo again..
But all these just happen..
I cant help it..
Why do I keep feeling I'm losing you slowly..
Coz there's nothing to really tell Me that I am not..
Maybe to you it doesn't make a difference..
If you are my gf or not..
But in fact it does..
It's a form of recongnition from you..
Of my existence in your life as someone you love..
It helps Me to balance my emotions and state of mind..
To gain comfort that even though I am the hidden one..
Even though I can never appear in front of your friends and family..
I am that important to you..
I am someone of a status to you..
I might be stubborn and self centered..
But I'm persistent with my love for you too..
I still remember you saying that I will not be the hidden one forever..
You telling Me that you want Me..
And you giving Me hope for us to be together again..
If one day you really leave Me..
You will take my heart away not a big part but the whole..
I know it will a very very long time for Me..
If I really can recover from it..
I will not trust nor believe in faith and love anymore..
I will not be the same anymore..
My world will crash down on Me like never before..
And I don't think I can ever pick myself up again..
When you Say that you will use Watever things said back at Me..
Im really afraid..
Coz most of the time I don't think before I say..
I'm so afraid of hearing you say things change..
ESP when it's about your promise to Me..
And the hopes you have given to Me before..
These are the only things that is helping Me go thru all these..
The only things that make Me firmly believe that you love me..
And you do want Me with you..
That you love Me more than anyone else out there other than your family..
Please don't take the only thing I have that bring my strength out..
You are my strength..
My motivation to fight..
The one that keeps My head up..
When I faced any difficulties..
You had always been a part of Me and my life..
But now you have become half of me..
The missing rib of mine..
Baby..you will be mine..
You have to believe in that too..
If you don't I can never make that happen..
I never love anyone like I did for you..
Love you as a friend..
Love you as a buddy..
Love you as my bitch..
Love you as my good friend for many years..
Love you as my girlfriend..
Love you as my ger..
Hope to be able to..
Love you like my soulmate..
Love you like my wife..
Love you like my life long partner..
Love you like my family..
Love you like my kids mother..
Love you ever and ever..in this lifetime..
And if there is another lifetime..
I want to cont loving you like this..
:: it's just me.. :: 1/07/2011 02:14:00 AM
Wednesday, January 05, 2011
im feeling very uptight and bothered
yet i cant display my emotions that it bother me alot..
i have to show that i let it go..
it aint nothing to me..
all i can do is to hold on to your words..
whatever you have said to me..
it really pains me..
deep down inside i just want you to acknowledge me..
but why is it so difficult..
just why..
i always thought im strong enough to face everything..
but im not now..
i can only swallow it down and bury it inside me..
but whenever it jump back at me..
it's too much emotion spill for me..
what do i really need to do to have your acknowledgment..
that we are together..
that we are a couple..
i really want to know what do i have to do..
will i ever know..
will you ever tell me..
i reali do not know..
:: it's just me.. :: 1/05/2011 01:09:00 AM
Monday, January 03, 2011
It's a new year..year 2011
It's supposed to be full of Hope
Yet I feel hopeless.
I know for the past year I been very emotionally unstable
Bcoz I'm on to something that is nothing
I can't hold on to it Bcoz it doesn't have any status
It made me very insecure and disoriented..
I know things will be very different if she is my gf..
But she just doesn't see that point..
No she doesn't..
I made a proposal To her
But seems like she kinda rejected it
Coz to her it doesn't mk a diff
But it will mk a big diff to us
Coz all the insecurity will slowly
Disappear and things will get better..
Coz that's how things will be like..
But it seems like this will never be revealed..
I just hope things will not get worse..
I have abt 3 hours left to slp n go wk..
But my head is spinning and my heart is in such pain lk Nv b4..
Everything seems gone n wash down the drain..
Everything I work hard for the past year..
The love n efforts I made to prove to her I want her..
It just doesn't seem to touch her heart..
She just don't want me anymore..
I feel like an abandoned child..
Seeking for refugee..
All I wanted was her love her heart and for her to acknowledge Me..
I failed..and she is just walking further n further away from me..
Closer and closer to him..
I have lost everything..
What use am I now..
I wonder..
:: it's just me.. :: 1/03/2011 04:42:00 AM
